facts:
1. i think my liver is pickled. rum, i'm looking at you.
2. e55 bar dudes, don't say you've got maker's mark if you do not, in fact, stock maker's mark. i will get pouty.
3. my dishes are growing mould. i feel like i have to a) hand back my food safety qualifications or b) employ a dishwasher. there's a part of my brain screaming THIS WILL NOT DO! the other part is enjoying the fact that i've been drunk or hungover for the past two days, and that's a nice change from being stressed/pissed off.
4. i don't really want to go to work tomorrow, mainly because it involves me having to firstly go to bed shortly, then get out of bed and be at work in 8 hours, but also because i take issue with some (okay, ONE) of the people there, and dealing with them sober is one thing but dealing with them with the (assumed) massive hangover i'm going to have tomorrow? let's just say i'd like to spend a lot of quality time lying on the carpet having a nap, rising only when summoned to update by the control 2 ferret, but that's not going to happen.
5. not being home except to sleep for the past couple of days has meant that there's no time to go get groceries. this is fine, except groceries also involve kitty litter. i mean, she's got some in her little blue tray, but it's the stuff that's made out of old phone books and whatever and it's lovely and absorbent and that, but i guess what i'm trying to say is MY FUCKING APARTMENT STINKS LIKE CAT PEE.
6. my parents are dropping around in the morning. let's look at this fact again. my parents are dropping around to an apartment that's a) filthy b) has mouldy dishes in the sink c) stinks of cat pee and d) houses one hungover, tired little girl. dear lord.

good stuff:

the smell of lit matches.
the sound of my fridge dropping ice into the freezer.
fries with satay seasoning.
new vintage dresses.
ginger beer.

living alone. seriously, why have i not done this sooner? I LOVE IT. i can make noise and watch whatever i want on tv, and i can come home to leftovers still in the fridge and my shit where i left it and i can bake at midnight and not bother anyone and, and, and, oh boy, i just dig this so much. this burst of love came from a quick review of self and current universal placement and upon seeing myself on nice couch in nice apartment with warm breeze flowing through abode due to lovely day, beverage consisting of rum and juice to one side, cat to the other, bread proofing on the kitchen bench, happy vegan baking thoughts in my head. ah!

so, news: my lease for richmond is (finally!) up tomorrow. jen moved out on the weekend, we did a few days of cleaning (and i'm certain the hovel is now more clean than it was before we moved in, when professional cleaners apparently went through the place) and we return the keys tomorrow. the weird russian agent tells me that the owners want to buy the oven i bought to use in the place (yeah, a house with no oven. GENIUS, DUDES. i think they thought a convection microwave would meet most people's baking requirements. yeah. not this little patissier) so hopefully this brings me some cash. finally putting in my bond form also gives me cash. and a possible baking job for my hairdresser's daughter might throw a bit more into the mix. new bike, huzzah! here we come!

the other news is that i might be picking up some vegan baking work, FOR REALS. it's only 5-10 hours a week to begin with, and the company is so small it's one little person, but it sounds neat. i'll be helping bake, expand the product range and operational stuff. i think i'm pretty much a shoe-in but i'm still crossing my fingers tightly in case the universe has any ideas about teaching me not to be so damn cocky.

i move into an apartment of my very own tomorrow. am i excited? you bet. slightly freaked out? yup. motivated as hell to move all of this furniture? hell, no. my sister bailed on me enough times for me to pull my head out of my ass and just book myself a van already, so now there's me and my pal fifi playing removalists. the thing is that i don't lift anything anymore and fi's tiny, so we're going to be the world's puniest removalists. if anyone saw us struggling through chadstone with our various heavy myer purchases last week, you'd totally understand. how the hell did i used to work in a warehouse, hauling boxes around all day? or carry around huge sacks of sugar and flour at school? captioning has not only made my ass bigger, but my arms weak and crappy. thanks, red bee. you complete me.

as mentioned in the comments below, the appraisal happened and it all went pretty well. of course, the majority of the time i was sitting in, there we were discussing when i'm going to start my business*, the other half consisted of me biting my tongue (see, my course not only trained me to be a supervisor, and then a manager, but i also did a whole mind-numbingly boring semester of HR and we covered appraisals, so my brain was dying to tell them how they could be doing a better job than what they were). they told me that i bring the "supervisory hellfire" and apparently, that's good. oh, and that i'm still captioning things the way that the old company wanted them captioned (which in my opinion was 150% better than their standards - probably why we won awards. we also had a standards committee PLUS an actual proof reader, so in your faces). meh. whatever. i feel better about my role there, but i still feel like people hate me sitting in the big seat.

i nearly applied for a job as a chocolatier the other day. if it was a vegan chocolatier, i'd be on their doorstep pleading with them for a role. i really just don't want to be playing with dairy now that i'm finished school. i learned to block out the horrible dead animal thoughts while i was dealing with it for those 2 years, because had to, but now i don't have to touch anything of the dead animal-related variety, the thoughts are back - and with a vengeance. i ask the universe: why? i could curse myself for being vegan, but instead i think i'd like to curse this country for not being vegan enough.

and, and, and - my sister's finally getting divorced tomorrow! i'm so happy for her, given that her husband turned out to be even more of a dick that i'd originally thought he was. i'm taking a cue from her and rearranging my life, too, so it will turn out more the way that i want it to. i'm sick of this rut that i'm in. also, i've decided to apply for the american green card lottery. there's absolutely no way in hell that i'll ever have my name drawn out of that giant yankee hat, but imagine just how amazing it would be! you can all come visit me in seattle AKA the town of coffee and vegan doughnuts. hell, yes.

* the number one question that pisses me off these days because, quite simply, I DON'T FUCKING KNOW and also, i kind of need to move out, get my shit together, work on some recipes, get my kitchen certified/find a commercial kitchen to hire, and then, THEN, i'll start a business. fuck, people, leave me be.

i may or may not have my performance review today (it was friday, but i called in sick). everyone's telling me not to be worried about it, but i kind of am, for the following reasons:

* questions such as "where do you see yourself in 2 years time?" will not be answered in the way the company wants it to be. they want me to say "climbing the ladder at red bee!" i want to say "running a vegan patisserie and forgetting i was ever a captioner!"

* i have sent out a few emails over the last 2 weeks or so, mostly stuff like reminding people to clean up their pc desktops when they're done for their shift (they're communal computers, and it's shitty searching through other people's files to find the icon you're looking for), to (for the love of god) verify spellings and to (get off their ass and) fill out the paperwork that we have to complete (before they bolt out the door to freedom). no-one seems to be doing any of this. it also seems when i open my mouth to speak, no noise comes out, because no-one ever answers when i speak. yesterday i jokingly suggested that i was going to introduce a kitchen brigade type of system whereby when i speak, everyone yells "yes, chef!" in response, just so i at least had confirmation that i was heard. so, the point is that i think i've been pissy and mostly annoyed while at work of late, and i'm worried that's going to be pointed out. either that or i'm going to mention the above and then get teary from sheer fucking frustration at it all.

i'm yet to move into my apartment, and this is annoying, too, mainly because the weather or my ute-driving sister keeps screwing me over. i get it, she has to work and pick up as many shifts as she can, but don't agree to something if you're just going to turn around and pick up a shift. i'm determined to be in by this weekend. i'm thinking of hiring a van and getting a pal and just dragging that shit into the apartment myself. we're both puny girls, but we should be fine. i'm sure once i'm in and happily alphabetising my books and cds, everything will feel a lot better. ahhh, order amongst the chaos. nice.